I would like to think that some points on this road would not come back around. But, it seems that I’m one that occasionally goes in a direction and finds that its a direction that I shouldn’t have gone – either at that time or ever. I’ve learned that when I go those routes that there’s a good chance that I’ll go that way again. Had that experience as I came again across a few experiences and the book Boundaries.
Boundaries was one of those books that defines a significant moment in my life. When it was first recommended, I had been just about 2 years into a relationship that turned toxic for the both of us. For me, I really had a time controlling my temper and communicating clearly. I’ll leave her items aside… its one of those boundaries things.
I didn’t read it until about 8 months later when that relationship crashed and burned. That’s what happens when there’s too much friction and you are going in a direction you weren’t designed for. Some friction is good. But, that one was friction that broke two people – and lead to me understanding what I needed to rebuild and reset in order to move forward. There were moments that I was not sure that I’d make it to the end of the year, let alone to now. It was a hard break, but a necessary one
Then there is today. Had been talking with someone and the subject of accountability came up. There’s a good bit that goes into why it came up, but I mentioned that it was because of the book Boundaries that I felt comfortable enough in talking about what I do and don’t do well in that space. It was a lot like hitting that road that I wandered down before, but this time I knew why I was going that direction.
This all wouldn’t have mattered, not at least to the point of me writing here, if it wasn’t for how the initial boundaries moment came open again. Something provoked my past to come back to the present. And when it did, I got this feeling in my chest. This feeling that I was running up against what I built a wall against that I didn’t have back then.
To quote a piece of the messages I sent to my closest friends, who knew that past me too well:
…there’s nothing like being reminded that you can’t get comfortable in growth. There are those moments when you have to allow for your past to call you into accountability. Then check yourself. Then keep moving forward.
I thank God I’m no longer the man I used to be. I’m walking in grace towards being the man I am yet to be.
Its good that there are these roads we can travel and be checked towards whether we’ve really moved forward or not. Its better when we respond differently than when we had that trip the first time.
I’m getting better at realizing that. And when running up against those boundaries, knowing what it means to accept the choices made, the mistakes made, and the forgiveness offered.
I cannot rewrite the past. I can only write a better present for me to reflect on once I make it to the future.