Spirit Led and Feared

One of the many websites that I have in my Google Reader feeds has been talking a lot about what things Jesus hadn’t said. As I began this post, I wanted to say “I think…” But, that not the route that I want to go. What is happening with me is more about what has been happening, not about what I think has happened.

In the past six months I’ve been undertaking a new adventure. I’m doing MMM as a professional endeavor. Its not a non-profit venture, though I’ve made no profit as of yet. And it was revealed nicely to me this weekend that I’m still spending too much time not doing those things that should be leading me into fatter places.

I have an excuse. I’m both spirit-led and feared. It hasn’t been easy, yet I’ve been very deliberate to ask questions, seek for wisdom, and pray at every turn. I can honestly say that I’m finally at that place of having a consistent prayer life.

Then again, when you aren’t sure how you are going to make expenses for the month; there really is no other recourse after you’ve worked the plan than to pray right?

I’ve got another excuse – part of that which was revealed to me. I’m often liable to get stuck in my head and become paralyzed by fear. Fear of failure and success. Fear of moving a joint. Fear of disrupting the balance (what balance? have you see my schedule lately, sheesh).

I didn’t grow up this way. I was led down this path, but this is totally new territory for me. And yet, every turn that I pay attention to God’s voice, I’m then presented with those options to either move forward even more into this, or stop and lean on the fear a bit.

I admit; there have been many days where I’ve leaned hard.

There was a moment in the events of the past days where I wanted to learn harder. I didn’t want to believe that I was the one equipped for a specific task.

For that moment; I doubted the spirit of God that was given to me. It was embarrassing.

As the other men began to talk about what I pointed out, they asked whether I was correct or not and the consensus was that not only was I not correct, but for that question I was the answer. I needed to stand up and be what I’m designed to be in this season.

I’m writing this several hours after all but one of those persons have left the venue and are on their way home. I am still in the same place.

Fear gripped me for that moment; and its taken until right now to start moving forward.

I understand very well that it is a wise man who plans his steps; but that man is also wise because he realizes that for all of his planning that it is God who determines the outcome. Nothing changes that equation. We don’t make our our luck, we aren’t privy to God’s valuation of our destiny. We exist according to the plans He’s laid out for us.

To be led into new places means that we have to release the fears of the things we cannot control. I get it now – and hopefully, the next time I’m presented with such a stand, I won’t be so reluctant to stand even if it means its just me.